Chicken Centipede: Another funny story based on the muppets

The chicken-centipede sketch:

            The first scene begins just like the last one did, with a newspaper, except this has a decidedly different headline. This headline reads: Scientist crosses chicken with centipede! The scene pans back to show the kid dressed as an old fashioned New Yorker, as he holds a newspaper and shouts: “Extra! Extra! One small step for science is a hundred steps for new chicken! (He looks at the screen) Where do they come up with this stuff?” The scene changes to the same reporter and scientist as in the previous story. The reporter says: “Hello, Doctor. I’m Ned from the Nosey News, (He briefly turns toward the screen) America’s first pick, ladies and gentlemen, (He turns back toward the scientist) and I’m here to find out about your latest discovery.” The scientist says: “Very well. I’ll help you out.” The reporter says: “No need, doc. I just got here.” The scientist says: “Hey. Don’t get wise with me.” The reporter says: “But the reason I’m here IS to get whys.” The scientist sighs and says: “Okay, what’s one of the why questions then?” The reporter says: “Sorry, no it isn’t.” The scientist appears irritated and says: “Cut it out. Now, my creation has a hundred feet. What do you make of that?” The reporter replies: “Oh, about thirty-three yards.”

            The scientist says: “(Grrr) No, I mean, what do you think a chicken with a hundred feet makes?” The reporter says: “Tracks.” The scientist says: “(Sigh) Let’s just go over to the lab, shall we?” They both walk away, and the reporter says: “Just one question. Are you going to sell it by the length or by the weight?” The scientist says: “The weight. What possible difference could that make?” The reporter says: “Seems you could make a lot more money if you charged by the foot.” The scientist says: “Knock off the jokes before I gag you.” The reporter replies: “Oh, you don’t need to gag me. I’ve got plenty.” The scene changes to a laboratory setting with a bunch of cages, and a really stretched out Muppet that looks like a chicken. The scientist says: “As you can see, I’ve invented a miracle of modern science.” The chicken says: “Hmph. Miracle he says. I once had a case of athlete’s foot that took a week to find.” The reporter replies: “Ah. The agony of de-feet.” The scientist says: “Of course, I didn’t START with a chicken. I tried a parrot first.” The reporter says: “Oh. A walkie talkie.” The chicken says to him: “Now why’d you have to say something corny like that? Don’t you know what it does to my self esteem?” The reporter says: “Don’t look now, folks, but it looks like I’m getting henpecked.”

The reporter says: “So tell me, doc., have you ever mixed other kinds of animals together?” The scientist says: “Oh, plenty of times. I once tried to mix a termite with a praying mantis, but it still ate people’s houses.” The reporter says: “Yeah, but at least this one says grace first.” The scientist says: “Why am I always the butt of these jokes?” The reporter says: “Because you always goat me into making them.” The scientist says: “You’ve got to be kidding me. (He looks at the screen) Why did I have to say that?” The reporter says: “Anything else?” I once mixed a kitten with a ten foot pole.” The reporter says: “You mean you made-“ The scientist says: “Don’t say it!” The reporter finishes: “A ten foot pole cat.” The scientist groans and says: “Oh, what a terrible joke to make.” The reporter says: “Oh, don’t make such a big stink about it.” The scientist says: “Where do you come up with these puns?” The reporter says: “Who nose?” The scientist says: “Let’s get back to the story at hand, shall we?” The reporter says: “Right. Well, why would you mix a chicken with a centipede?” The scientist says: “Because chickens themselves have only two legs and only two drumsticks. Everyone seems to want a drumstick, and therefore-“ The reporter interrupts: “Everyone should join a band.”

The scientist says: “Go ahead and joke, but the point is, this will make my chickens clearly preferred above others.” The reporter says: “Ah, so you did it in order to have a leg-up on the competition.” The scientist says: “Exactly. I- Hey! (Ahem) As I was saying, the only limitation on this new chicken is that it can’t fly.” The reporter says: “On the contrary. It can easily be a hundred feet in the air.” The scientist says: “Really? How?” The reporter says: “Just turn it on its back.” The Muppet chicken walks out of the scene, and the scientist says: “Is ther anything else you wanted to ask me?” The reporter says: “Yes, if I understand you right, you’ve crossed a lot of things.” The scientist says: “Yes. In fact, I’ve crossed SOME things twice.” The reporter says: “You dirty double crosser.” The scientist says: “Weren’t you going somewhere with this?” The reporter says: “Huh? Oh yeah. Have you ever tried crossing a Bengal tiger with another Bengal tiger?” The scientist says: “No.” The reporter says: “Good. Bengal tigers hate to be crossed.” The scientist says: “Stop joking about this. My latest work is a great scientific feet. Good grief, it’s spreading.” The reporter says: “So, do you have any plans for crossing animals in the future?”

The scientist says: “Why certainly. Next year, I plan to cross a snake with a rabbit and an amoeba.” The reporter says: “Well, that’ll be an amazing benefit to the science of mathematics.” The scientist says: “How do you figure?” The reporter says: “Well, think about it. It’s an adder that can multiply and divide.” The chicken Muppet walks into the room and leaves, saying: “So long, doctor. These bad jokes are killing me.” The chicken Muppet leaves, and the scientist says to the reporter: “Once again, you did shoe away one of my discoveries.” The reporter says: “I guess that makes you de-feeted, huh?” The scientist growls and chases the reporter around a little. Then, a policeman Muppet comes into the scene. The policeman Muppet says: “All right, break it up you two.” The scientist and the reporter stop running, and the scientist says: “I can assure you, officer, this isn’t what it looks like.” The policeman says: “Don’t worry. I’m not here for you. (He turns to the reporter) I’m here for you.” The reporter appears nervous as he says: “Me? But why?” The policeman says: “Because I’m the pun police, and you’re not wanted in thirty states.” The reporter says: “Don’t you mean wanted in thirty states?” The policeman replies: “Not with YOUR jokes, buddy.”