Oops, I did it again! An age-regression short story

Okay, well, after coming up with over 100 different ideas for stories and cartoons involving age regression and AR (Which, for some reason, the public seems to like reading more than 200 times more than my blog about myths, beliefs, and religion (Which kind of disturbs me, I mean, I don't know the meaning of life or anything, but I'd expect people to have more questions for me to answer)), I thought I'd write a humorous and clever short story involving age-regression based on a running gag. Have you ever seen that old burlesque act where there's a mentally unstable guy who abuses a straight man every time he says the name Martha? In spite of which, the straight man inevitably says Martha and gets hit by pies, balloons, and a seltzer bottle. It takes more thinking than most of the impulse-humor of today's comedy, but believe you-me, it is worth it. (Oh, and extra credit for any of you who read my blog entitled "Well I'll bedazzled, since it's kind of a sequel to that.) Anyway, here it goes:

It had been weeks since the devil met Alex Dame (Ahem, A.K.A. yours truly) for a meal to discuss the sale of his soul to her (That's right. The devil took the form of a valuptuous young woman just like in that Bedazzled movie). The devil now sat in her pit of Hell, remembering how angry Alex had made her. She had offered him the classic Faustian bargain of seven wishes for his immortal soul, and he had turned it into a big joke by making a bunch of fake wishes and trying to talk his way out of the deal. After a while, she had gotten sick of him and just dropped the deal, believing that she couldn't stand a wiseguy like Alex for all eternity. It had been an embarrassing situation for which she now had every intention of making Alex suffer.

The story begins in Hell, where the devil says: "So, that worthless mortal thinks he's smarter than the very incarnation of all treachery and wickedness? He thinks he can just undermine my P.R.? He thinks this whole evil thing is all a joke does he? Well, the joke will soon be on him." A small, whiney-looking demon appears out of nowhere, and says: "Uh, but your evilness, you didn't get him to sign that contract, which means you can't have him destroyed by one of your minions, and stuff. Mortals have to actually CHOOSE to get themselves hurt. Remember the rules of-" The devil chokes the small demon with one hand, and snaps: "Of COURSE I remember the rules you insignificant little dweeb! I was there when my former boss set those rules into motion! (The small demon in her hand starts to burn up) I know those rules better than anyone! So don't give me any lectures!" The devil lets go of the small demon, which is now charred like some cartoon character after being blown up by a bomb.

The small demon says: "Yes your eminence." The demon breathes a cloud of smoke, and falls over. The appears to be considering something, and says: "Hmmm... But there are more ways to use dark magic than the whole existential eternal evil thing. Maybe I'll have a wizard turn him into a frog, or... Maybe something with a magical creature. Yeah, those guys have been cheezed off anyway after being mis-represented by Disney and Dreamworks." A small fire appears, and a phone book materializes, along with a cell phone. The Devil flips through the phone book, and the side of the book is seen as the words: "Darkside yellow pages. Everything from Abominable Snowman to Zombie." The Devil says: "Hmmm... Gnomes? Nah. They only do lawns. Elves? Nah. They're too busy making cookies. Politicians? Uh... Nah. They require a huge pay-off. Poltergeists? Nah. They've gotten big egos ever since that movie with the little girl in the television. Ah, here it is! Faeries! Those guys just love causing mischief."

The Devil says: "That mortal thinks he can talk his way out of anything. Well he's not that smart." The scene changes to me, as I look at the computer, and say: "Whoa! Check it out! I got a 99.1% in my intermediate algebra class! I can't wait to tell people." The scene changes to the Devil, who is watching, as she says: "So, he's proud of his math score eh? Well, in that case, I think I know just the guy to teach this guy a lesson. Hello, Terry?" A voice from the other side of the phone says: "Terry the Faerie. (The scene changes to a guy with reddish hair, a goatee, and green eyes. He wears a black jacket and jeans, and has spiked bracelets and anklets.) Is that you, boss?" The Devil's voice sarcastically says: "No, it's the Tooth Fairy." Terry grins and says: "What a coincidence. I've got a sweet tooth for YOU, baby." Terry appears shocked as the Devil's voice shouts: "Of course it's me, you idiot! (Her voice adds calmly) And if you call me "baby" again, I'll send you to the seventh circle of the Inferno for the next 700 years!"

Terry replies: "Nice. I've been meaning to vacation somewhere hot. And anyway, babies are part of my act." The Devil says: "Yes, well, I knew it couldn't be mind reading. Anyway, I need you to find this hairy wiseguy named Alex, and then do that voodoo that you do so well." Terry says: "Is that a come-on?" The Devil's voice says: "No. That's an order, now get to it." The phone hangs up, and Terry says: "She wants me so bad." Terry disappears in a puff of smoke and fire, and the scene shifts to a populated area, as Terry appears in a similar puff of smoke and fire. Terry rubs his hands together, and says: "Well, it never hurts to practice. (Snicker) Well, it never hurts ME, anyway." He walks over to a 50-year-old woman and says: "Good afternoon, madame." The woman says: "Oh, uh, hi there." Terry says: "I couldn't help noticing you looked a little run-down."

The woman says: "And what is THAT supposed to mean?!" Terry says: "Well, you look like a 50-year-old woman, who would like to be young again and back in her prime. (He looks at the back of his knuckles) And I'm just the kind of guy to make it happen." The woman says: "Huh, what ARE you, some kind of cosmetics salesman? Because the last time I tried some beauty junk-" Terry says: "No, I'm a- (Ahem) If I told you I had a way to make you half your age again, would you do it?" The woman says: "Some new age trick, huh? Well, I seriously doubt it'll work, but I'll try anything once." Terry's thoughts are heard: "Once huh? We'll see about that." Terry says: "Well then, let's get this party started. (The woman appears surprised as Terry snaps his fingers, and green smoke comes out from his hands, and swirls in a circle around the two of them as he talks) Forces of Pagan gods Crom and Pan, hear me for mischief is my demand! Turn back the years when it is heard, that someone in this circle says the special word."

The green smoke disappears, and the woman says: "Nice trick. So what happens now?" Terry says: "Simple, my soon-to-be-young-and-beautiful-again friend. Nobody else can see or hear us as long as we're in this circle, and all you have to do to get your age cut in half is say this word (The green smoke appears again, and this time forms the word "again"). The woman says: "So all I do is say "again"?" The change was very quick. 25 of the woman's fifty years disappeared, as her form became more like that of a young woman, with no wrinkles, and she appeared more physically fit. The woman then looked at her hands and appeared pleasantly surprised. She says: "Wow! I can't believe it! I'm 25 again!" Terry smiled as he noticed the woman's second change beginning. Between the two of them, he was the only one who knew a person could halve their own age more than once within the circle.

The now-young woman began shrinking into her clothes. Not only was she getting smaller, but her features were getting more younger looking. Before long, the change was complete, and she was a girl again, only 12 and a half. This time, her surprise was NOT pleasant. She looked at her sleeves, which were now too baggy, and didn't show her hands. She says: "Wha? What happened?!" Terry says: "Yeah, it's all part of company policy. Your clothes don't change to match your new age. It doesn't really matter unless you use the magic more than once." The girl says: "Yeah, but you didn't tell me it would happen again!" Once again, she began to shrink from near-adolescence, to childhood. Her clothes became oversized and tent-like on her, as she became 6 and a third years old. Terry says dully: "Way to go."

The girl, now hardly six years old and wearing a clearly oversized outfit, appears both afraid and embarrassed as she says in the high-pitched voice of a child: "Oh no! Not again!" Once again, the little girl's age was cut in half, and she shrank into a three-year-old toddler who now only wore the woman's shirt. The shirt now looked like a tent on her, and her features were smaller and more childlike. Once again, she looked afraid and embarrassed, but after a minute, she became frustrated. She said in her little 3-year-old voice: "No! This is a nightmare! I'm getting smaller again and again!" With that, she began shrinking once more, only this time, instead of becoming half her age, she became a quarter of her age, since she said the word twice. The cute little 3-year old shrinks smaller and becomes a 9-month-old baby, too young to walk or talk, and hardly old enough even to stand up on her own. Her infant body was now so small no clothes would stay on her at all, as she got on all fours and crawled out of her shirt like the baby she was.

The baby girl sniffled and cries as Terry says: "Ah, another satisfied customer." The scene then changes to me, as I walk into a sandwich shop. From the outside of the shop, my voice is heard: "Hey, check it out! I got a 99.1% on my algebra class. Good for me, huh?" The sound of a muffled trumpet, similar to the voices of the adults in the old Charlie Brown cartoons. Afterward, I say: "Well of COURSE I'll get something. I'll have a ham and cheese on sourdough with garlic spread." The scene shifts back to Terry, as he walks around, now pulling a baby carriage, as he says: "Well, that was fun. I think I'll try it with a man next." He walks over to a man who appears to be 64 years old. The man is holding a newspaper, and saying: "How am I ever going to get the popular vote?" Terry comes over to the man and says: "Well, there's always one way." The man puts down the newspaper and says: "Oh, hi sir. Mind if I kiss your baby?" Terry says: "Uh, well actually-" The man reaches into the carriage and pulls out the baby (In case you couldn't guess, it's the baby that was the 50-year-old woman), and kisses her, then puts her back in the carriage.

The man then shakes Terry's hand and says: "Vote for me for mayor." Terry says: "Why should I care about your puny mortal elec- (Ahem) I mean, I don't think so. I'm not from around here." The man says: "Well then stop wasting my time." Terry says: "Hold on there. I'm no voter, but I can still help you get elected." The man says: "Uh, how's that?" Terry says: "Voters these days want someone younger to be their leader. Fortunately for me, I can make you physically younger." The man says: "I don't know. What's this going to cost me?" Terry says: "Oh don't insult me, sir. I wouldn't dream of charging you for such a procedure. All this is going to cost you is some of that age that's getting you down. (He adds slyly) And I'll be the one to keep the years down." The man says: "I like the sound of that. Lay it on me." Terry says: "Yes sir." He snaps his fingers, and the green smoke appears again and swirls around Terry and the man he's talking to, as he says his chant again: "Forces of Pagan gods Crom and Pan, hear me for mischief is my demand! Turn back the years when it is heard, that someone in this circle says the special word."

The green smoke disappears, and the man says: "Nice trick. So what's the magic word?" Terry holds out his hands, and the word "Again" appears in green smoke. The man says: "Okay, so I say Again and- Huh?" The man notices himself getting younger. He says: "So, am I younger now?" Terry shows him a mirror, and shows him he's 32 again. The man says: "This isn't what I had in mind. I should be in my twenties, not early 30s. Can we do it again?" The man gets visibly younger, and shrinks a little, as he becomes 16. He looks at the mirror, and appears surprised. He says: "Hey! What?! Now cut it out! Now I look too young. Try again." He shrinks and becomes younger-looking until he's an 8-year-old boy in clearly oversized clothes. His arms are now too short for his hands to fit out of the sleeves, and he looks ridiculous. He says in a high-pitched childish voice: "Hey! What's wrong with you? You messed it up again!" The little boy begins to shrink again. This time, Terry has a dull expression on his face, and his thoughts are heard: "I know that politicians aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but they don't have to highlight it."

The little boy shrinks into a pint-sized 4-year-old in the oversized clothes of an adult politician. He looks more like he should be playing with toy trucks and teddy bears and watching shows like Barney. The now-toddler-sized child says in a squeaky voice: "Wha? Why do I keep gettin' smaller? Tell me why I'm a widdo kid now?" Terry says: "What you seem to be missing, small fry, is that you get younger every time you say the word." The small boy says: "You coulda told me that saying again again would make me younger again!" Terry mutters: "Three times in one sentence. It must be a record." The toddler then began to shrink once again, into age three, then two, then one, and finally six months old. Formerly a politician, the now infant sat up in a puddle of his adult clothes. Terry says: "It takes some of the fun out of things when I meet the easiest case I've seen in over 700 years. And I'll bet this Alex Dame guy will be even worse."

The scene changes to me, standing around a Bevmo, as I say: "You know, I get the strangest feeling I've been insulted. But I can't worry about that now. I'm parched." I walk into the Bevmo, and my voice is heard: "Hey, guess who got a 99.1% on his last algebra class?" A sound like birds chirping is heard, and I say: "Okay, okay. I'll have a couple of Pepsis. Keep your shirt on." The scene changes back to Terry, as he says: "Well, this Alex guy is sure taking long a while to get here. I think I'll have some more fun. (He rubs his chin) Of course, tricking these older guys is easy. Getting someone younger tricked is something else." Terry notices a voluptuous young woman walking around in a two-piece bikini. Terry grins and says: "This one oughtta be fun." He walks over to the woman, pulling a baby carriage that now has two babies in it.

Terry says to the woman: "Hello there, good looking." The woman says: "Hi. (She looks into the baby carriage) Cute kids. What are their names?" Terry says: "Huh, you know, I don't think I even asked-" The woman chuckles a little and says: "Ask BABIES their names?" Terry says: "Uh, I meant their parents. I never asked their parents their names. But never mind that. Where are you going in that getup? The beach?" The woman says: "As if. I'm a swimsuit model headed for the big time." Terry says: "Getting by on your good looks, huh? How old are you, I mean, if that's not too personal?" The woman says: "I'm 21 and in the prime of my life. How about you, wierdo?" Terry says: "Well, I'm older than I look, but that's not important. Even at age 21, your good looks can only last you so long. I'd say 20 years, thirty if you stay out of the sun." The woman says: "What are you saying exactly?" Terry says: "I'm saying that I've got a way to give you about twenty more years before it happens. "

The woman says: "And how are you gonna do that? Do you have a crystal ball or something?" Terry says: "Something like that. Anyway, twenty more years, at a model's salary, you do the math. Is it worth a try?" The woman says: "Okay, I'll bite." Terry snaps his fingers, and the green smoke swirls around as he once more recites his chant: "Forces of Pagan gods Crom and Pan, hear me for mischief is my demand! Turn back the years when it is heard, that someone in this circle says that special word!" The woman says: "What? Is that it?" Terry says: "No, first you've got to say a special word, like from that Brittany Spears song." The woman says: "You mean like (She moves around, and speaks in a singing tone) "oops I did it again?"" By saying that, the voluptuous young woman had activated the magic, and she began to shrink. She appeared shocked as her tight-fitting bikini began to slide off, and she had to hold up her clothes with her hands. She kept shrinking until she became ten and a half years old. Her once-broad chest was now flat like that of a child, to match the rest of her humbled form.

The girl says: "Hey! What did you do to me?! I'll never be a model now!" The girl turns to run away, saying: "Well I'm telling on you! I don't know who to tell, but-" Terry says: "I wouldn't go leave the circle if I were you." The woman says: "And just why not, you big meanie?" Terry says: "Because once the spell's duration is complete, you'll have clothes to match, but if you leave the circle before then, you'll be too small for your clothes, and everyone will be able to see it, if you know what I mean." The girl says: "Well, when you put it that way..." Terry says: "And anyway, it could be worse. If you said the A word again, you'd get your age cut in half." The little girl says: "You mean again? (She begins shrinking, and she doesn't appear to notice even though her voice is getting higher.) Well, if you're expecting me to say it again, you'll be disappointed, 'cuz I'll never say again again! So just- Goo goo." The girl regresses from having said the word four times. She shrank into a 16th of the ten years old she had. Regressing to roughly seven months old, she was finally too young to talk, which was apparently the only thing keeping her from saying the word again.

Terry says: "Huh, you're about as smart as I expected from an aspiring model." The green smoke disappears, and a diaper, and small dress appear around the baby girl, along with a tiny sash that reads: "Beauty Queen." Terry says: "I can't wait to do this to the big fat guy the boss told me about." The scene changes to me, in a video store, about to buy the movie 9, as I say: "I feel a disturbance in the force. I don't know why, but it feels like I was insulted, or even outsulted. Wait, is that even a word? Never mind. (I get up to the counter) Hi. This morning, I found out I aced my Intermediate Algebra class, and now I'm buying a movie with a number as the title! Isn't that cool?" The guy behind the counter says: "Will that be cash, check, or charge?" I reply: "Depends, which would you prefer least?" The scene shifts back to Terry, who says: "Okay, that's a young woman. How about I even things off with shrinking some MALE eye candy?"

He notices a male body builder who has ridiculously large muscles and wears only a pair of shorts and sandals. Terry walks over to him, saying: "Just what the doctor ordered." He walks toward the body builder, and pulls the baby carriage behind him. Terry says: "Hey big guy." The body builder says: "Oh, hi. Oh wait, were you talking to me or your babies?" Terry says: "Your about ten times their size. What do you think Einstein?" The body builder says: "Uh, what's an Einstein?" Terry says: "Oh, this oughtta be fun. (He says to the body builder) How would you like to be irresistable to women?" The body builder says: "Irresistable to women? Dude, I AM irresistable to women. Check out this slab of granite." He flexes, and Terry says: "I don't know if you've been around, "Dude", but women aren't impressed by muscles anymore." The body builder says: "They're not?" Terry says: "Trust me, Hercules, women always want a cute guy, not some intimidating muscle-head."

The body builder says: "What do you mean a cute guy?" Terry says: "Someone with boyish good looks. Any other questions?" The body builder says: "Uh, I knew that." Terry says: "And the thing is, I can make you more boyish." The body builder says: "Oh, yeah? Cool." Terry says: "Soooo... Are you interested?" The body builder says: "Interested in what?" Terry says: "Interested in me making you more boyish? (The body builder looks like he's thinking) So you can pick up women?" The body builder says: "Oh, oh yeah. Right. I knew that. (Terry mutters: "Those steroids can really mess with your mind.") Uh, sure I'm interested. Why?" Terry appears frustrated and says: "Because I can make you that way." The body builder says: "You can make me..." Terry finishes for him: "More boyish so you can get women." The body builder says: "Right. Right. Okay, lay it on me."

Terry says: "Finally! (He snaps his fingers, and the green smoke swirls around them) Forces of Pagan Gods Crom and Pan, hear me for mischief is my demand! Turn back the years when it is heard that someone in the circle says the special word." The body builder says: "Cool. Uh, what word?" A puff of smoke appears in front of Terry, and writes the word "again". The body builder says: "That's again, right? It's not some wierdo magic language is it?" The body builder shrinks down to a twelve-year-old, and he has to hold up his shorts. The body builder says: "Dude, is that supposed to happen?" Terry says: "It happens more than once if you can believe that." The pre-teen boy that had just been the body builder says in a high-pitched childish voice: "Oh, so I should say it again, right?" The pre-teen then regresses into a little boy only about six years old. Now he looked quite ridiculous in oversized shorts, which he had to hold up with both of his hands. He says in the squeeky voice of a 6-year-old boy: "Sooo, are we gonna pick up chicks now?"

Terry says: "Oh, sure you're more attractive to women now, but the more often you say that word, the greater the effect." The little boy says: "Oh! So I should say it again, and again, and again- whoa!" He stops talking when he notices he's shrinking, but by then it's too late. The six-year-old had said the word three times, and shrank into a three-year-old, then to an 18-month old toddler, and finally to a 9-month old baby. Terry says: "(Tsh) Well, at least your body matches your brain now." The scene shifts back to me, as I walk into a bakery, and the sound of my voice is heard: "Hey, you don't know me, but I'm Alex Dame, and I got a 99.1% on my last algebra class. Wait a minute, didn't I say that earlier in this story?" A voice from inside the bakery says: "Does that mean you're gonna buy something to celebrate, or you're just tryin' to brighten my day?" I say: "Okay! I'll take a Boston Cream Pie. Geez. Everyone's all about the business today. I wish my old supervisor had been like that."

The scene changes back to Terry, as he says: "Okay, I've been waiting for this guy a long time. I'm getting bored again. (He looks over and notices a pair of teenagers, one male, one female) Aha. I think I'll trick these kids into saying the word and having them shrink into their clothes into little kids and babies." My voice is heard from behind him, saying: "Sounds fun. Mind if I watch?" Terry turns around and notices me. He says: "Huh? Are you Alex Dame?" I reply: "Well, if I'm not, he should sue me. I put his name on all my checks." Terry says: "Enough of the wisecracks. I've been waiting a while for you to show up." I say: "Yeah, well, in case you haven't been watching my last two scenes, I've been getting lunch and a movie. It woulda been dinner and a movie except I only do that on dates. And it wasn't exactly service with a smile either." Terry says: "Looking for someone who can give you the business, huh? Well, you came to the right place." I look in the baby carriage near him, saying: "Hey, cute kids, but they don't look a thing like you. That'll come in handy when they start school."

Terry says: "I'm not their dad, wise guy. Do you know what my thing is?" I say: "Well, I know it isn't mind reading. Otherwise, you'd know I have no interest in you OR your thing. But since you brought it up, go ahead and tell me." Terry says: "You see, I'm not really a human. I'm a fairy." I reply: "So how many people can you transport at once?" Terry appears irritated and says: "I'll ignore that. Anyway, I have to trick people into saying a word, which when spoken in a magic circle, can humiliate people of all ages by turning them into babies and making them too small for their clothes." I say: "Cool, we'll take two." Terry says: "We?" I say: "Me, myself and I. Wait, make that three. On second thought, cancel that order. I would rather have ham and cheese on sourdough." I take out my sandwich and take a bite out of it. Terry says: "You probably think you're SO smart, don't you?" I say: "Well y'know, there's a 99.1% chance that's right. That's also the percent I got on my algebra class. How many times have I said that today?" I take another bite out of the sandwich, and Terry says: "Well,if you're so smart, how about trying a true test of the mind that requires absolute brilliance?"

I say: "Nah, I'm really not in the mood for it. I'd rather try the one you're thinking about." I take another bite of the sandwich, and Terry appears more frustrated. He says: "Then I'm gonna enjoy this." He is about to snap his fingers, but I say: "Wait a sec." Terry says: "Huh?" I take another bite out of the sandwich and finish it, saying: "Okay, go." Terry shakes with frustration, and then snaps his fingers and green smoke swirls around Terry and I, as Terry says: "Forces of Pagan Gods Crom and Pan, hear me for mischief is my demand! Turn back the years when it is heard that someone in this circle says that special word." I say: "Yeah? Well, here's one for you: I've heard poems from foes and friends, but that one stinks like a bull's tail end." Terry says: "Whatever. Say the word so you can turn into a kid already." I say: "And what is the word? Alakazam?" Terry says: "THIS is the magic word." The word "again" appears in green smoke, and I say: "I see, so the word is aga- (I sound like I'm about to sneeze) aga-aga- achoo!" I sneeze, and the smoke letters blow away. I say: "Oh, uh, sorry mate. I guess I blew it."

Terry says: "Just say the magic word, wise guy." I say: "Sorry, I didn't get that good a look at the word. What was it exactly?" Terry says: "Fine. The word is again." I say: "Well, okay. But I don't see what saying alien is going to do." Terry says: "It won't. The word is again." I say: "But I thought amen was a holy word. Doesn't that kind of go against the whole devil trickery thing?" Terry growls and says: "Not amen you idiot! Again!" I say: "Hold on a sec. Your chant said someone in the circle. Does that mean YOU get younger when YOU say the magic word also?" Terry says: "Yeah, but you'll never be able to tell, since I'm roughly 20,000 years old." I say: "Whoa. That's over eighty times MY age, old timer." Terry says: "No it's not. It's about- Uh (He appears to be trying to do math, and starts counting on his fingers. He finally says) Wait. What was your age again? (He appears frustrated) Oooh! Stop that!" I pretend not to have heard what he said, and say: "Come once more?" Terry says: "You mean come aga- (He stops himself) Ha. You almost got me aga- (He stops himself again) Nope. I'm not going to say it. No, you're not getting me to say again."

I say: "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you say then." Terry says: "Oh, don't start THAT again!" I say: "Oh, yeah. We did this bit already." Terry says: "So say the word already!" I say: "Okay. Already." Terry says: "Not THAT word! The other word." I say: "Okay. The other word. Happy now?" Terry says: "You know what I mean! Say again!" I say: "Okay, aga- Hey, wait a minute. Why should I get younger?" Terry says: "Why do you want to get younger? You've got a good imagination. Figure it out." I say: "Uh, could you give me a hint?" Terry says: "What a critic. Everyone wants to be young again." I say: "Okay, okay. I think I can imagine a reason. Here goes: Ain Ga." Terry says: "What was that?" I say: "Well, I was just trying to spice it up by mixing around the letters." Terry says: "But it doesn't work unless you say the word again!" I say: "So I can't just say it backwards?" Terry says: "No, you can't just say it backwards."

I say: "Okay then, aga- Wait a minute." Terry says: "(Sigh) What is it now?" I say: "I've tricked you plenty of times. How come you still haven't shrunk?" Terry says: "I'm 20,000 years old, remember. You still need to get me to say the word at least two more times, and I will NOT say it again." With that, Terry became visibly younger into a young man around 19 years old. I say: "Well, what if I say something that SOUNDS like the word? Something like: Oh, gin?" Terry says: "First of all, it wouldn't work. Secondly, Oh, gin sounds nothing like again, smart guy."  Terry then regresses into a little boy, almost ten. Terry says in a childish voice: "You big jerk! Now look what you did!" I say: "Me? Don't blame me, you're the one who cast that wierdo green smoke thing." Terry says: "Yeah, but you're the one who keeps making me say again." With that, Terry shrinks into a cute little preschooler almost five years old. His clothes hang loosely off his shrunken body.

I say: "Oh, yeah, right. Sorry." Terry squeeks in a childish voice: "You should be, you did it to me again!" Terry shrinks into a two-year-old, and his eyes begin tearing up. I say: "So, if you're a baby now, does that mean everyone changes back to normal?" Terry, in his now toddler voice says: "No. All it means is if I get younger again, I'll have to grow up all over again." By saying "again" twice, Terry regresses into a baby, less than a year old, and too young to talk. I say: "Hey, I aced a college class. I can do the math." The green smoke clears, and Terry now has clothes to match his new age, and he lies wriggling on the ground. I say: "Man, I'm glad THAT'S over. Again! Again! Again! Again! Again! Oh, that feels so good." Baby Terry appears frustrated, and I say: "Cheer up. At least your body matches your brain. (Tsh) The devil must be really slipping if she thinks-"

Just then, The Devil appears in a puff of smoke and fire. She says to me: "Mark Alexander Dame." I appear nervous and say: "Mark Alexander Dame? Is he here? Then I'm leaving. I've been beside myself all day, and enough is enough." I turn and start walking away, and the Devil appears in a puff of smoke and fire in front of me. I appear surprised and say: "Gyaah! Aren't you supposed to wait until someone speaks of the Devil before you do that?" The Devil says: "Is everything a big joke to you?!" I say: "No, THIS is a joke: A priest, a shaman, and a rabbi all walk into a bar and-" The Devil says: "I've heard that one before. I can't believe you like that kind of joke." I say: "Yeah, well, I like a lot of things older than me. Sorry, hot stuff, you didn't make the cut." The Devil appears angry and growls. I say: "Whoa. You look hot under the collar. More than usual I mean." The Devil growls, and I hear the sound of crying babies. I walk over to the baby carriage, and say: "Uh, oh. How am I going to turn them all back?" 

The Devil says: "You're such a smarty pants. YOU figure it out." I say: "The same can't be said for you, since you've just given four mortals a chance to live their lives over, and a great chance to repent. I mean, it doesn't seem all that evil to me." The Devil says: "Yeah, well... Uh, Shows what YOU know about evil." I say: "Oh, you know, you've got a point there. I just knew it wasn't very SMART. But what do evil people know about being smart anyway? (The Devil appears angry) I mean, if they were SMART at all, they wouldn't always get their backsides handed to them by big strong guys in tights, would they?" The Devil snaps: "Ohhh! If I only had control of your soul-" I say: "My soul? Well why didn't you say so? Just change everyone affected by Terry's spell back to adulthood and erase their memory of this whole meet-a-fairy-and-turn-into-a-baby thing, and I'll let you have it.

The Devil appears offended and says: "You expect me to do something NICE? How dare you!" I say: "You're right. Besides, you probably couldn't do something that complex anyhow. (The Devil appears increasingly irritated) You should really practice with something more your speed, like the disappearing thumb trick. I mean, me, I could make an entire audience disappear, just by reminding them how much they paid for admission, but that's a different story completely..." The Devil appears enraged and shouts: "You dare to question the power of the master of all evil?! Behold the power of Satan!" Black and red smoke spreads out from her hands, and it wraps around Terry and the baby carriage. The black and red smoke disappears, and all four of the babies, as well as Terry, appear as grown adults again, and the 50-year-old woman says: "What just happened?" The politician says: "I don't know, but I DO know I make a good mayor. Vote for me." The male body builder says to the voluptous young woman: "Whoa. You're hot." The voluptous young woman says: "Well, duh."   

Terry stops sucking his thumb, and looks toward the devil, appearing nervous. He says: "Uh, I guess this means I don't get a raise, huh, boss?" I clap my hands and say: "Wow. I must say, I AM impressed. (The Devil smiles) I never thought you were THAT gullible. (The devil stops smiling.)" The Devil says: "Alright, cornball. A deal's a deal. Now let me have it." I say: "Well, alright. But it's a shame. (I take out the Boston Cream Pie, and shove it in the Devil's face.) I didn't bring any whipped cream." The Devil growls again, and says: "Arrg! I can't believe it. I've got all the demonic forces of Hell at my disposal, and some smarty-pants fat guy still leaves me with egg on my face." I take a piece of the frosting, and lick it, saying: "Actually, it's a very tastey Boston Cream pie. Shame it wasn't Devil's food." The Devil wipes the pie off her face and says: "Well, you'll pay for this. Each of your college classes will be a horrible waste of time." I say: "I kinda figured that when I started them." The Devil says: "Every cartoon show the producers make in the future will be mind-rotting and repulsive." I say: "I'm glad someone else thinks so." The Devil says: "Your resolution to watch 365 movies in the year will fail miserably." I say: "Well, there's always next year." The Devil says: "Did God make you just to annoy me?"

I reply: "Probably. I don't know any other purpose for me." Terry says: "Well, boss. I guess this means I'm going to the seventh circle now, huh?" The Devil grabs him, and says: "You're not getting off THAT easily. It's the Eigth icy circle for you." Terry says: "Cool. I was in the mood for some ice skating." The Devil and Terry disappear in a puff of smoke and fire as the Devil says: "Is EVERYONE around here a wise guy?" Once Terry and the Devil have left, I take out one of my pepsis and say: "Well, that's music to my ears. But I think this story ought to end on a more appropriate note." Music starts playing, and the song "You make me feel so young" is heard in the background. I walk away, saying: "That's more like it. Everything is adding up."

The End