This is my version of The Ugly Truth

       I recently saw the movie "The Ugly Truth" about a creep who didn't know jack about romance, but was surprisingly good at managing the relationships between men and women, especially merital relationships. I found the movie offensive, personally, but it prompted me to tell the world the ugly truth. For those of you who have read my second ever blog on Hubpages, "Some things just don't make any sense", this is a lot like that, but I'm also going to provide you with some stand-up-comedy-type jokes based on my observations. Not all of these observations are based on relationships, but they're still relevant to our everyday life.

 

       First of all, girls and women INVENTED relationships. They're usually the ones who want to talk about it, they're the ones who win any kind of conflict, they bring up all kinds of feminist issues, and they have built-in ways of gaining moral superiority over men. I mean, first of all, there's the "time of the month" thing. You've heard of legends about werewolves, you know? Ordinary people who turn into snarling, vicious beasts once a month? The one who came up with that must have been paying close attention to women having periods. And they can get away with anything they want just because they're in pain. Either that or get some unneeded sympathy from guys. Example:

           Man: "Honey, have you seen the chocolate candies I was saving?" Woman: "Oh, yeah. Sorry, honey. I ate it earlier." Man: "Well, why did you do that? I labelled it any everything. Fred's chocolates." Woman: "Yeah, but there were no other chocolates around. And I need chocolates." Man: "Well, if you called me on my cell phone, I could have picked some up on my way-" Woman: "I couldn't WAIT that long! I mean, come on, they're just chocolates alright?!" Man: "It's just that I was saving them for this evening because I had such a hard day at work-" Woman: "Oh, YOU'VE had a hard day, huh? I notice you didn't ask me about MY day. Oh, nothing much happened to me, just a period that hurt like h*** for no reason, that's all!" Man: "I'm sorry, honey, do you need me to go out for more chocolate?" Woman: "Oh, well, as long as you're going out, honey, I'd love some chocolate ice cream."

          Then there's the crying approach. I hate it when women cry to get what they want. It hurts me, or the one who's around them, by making them feel bad, makes them automatically feel like the bad guy. It hurts men by extorting them into doing plenty of things that they don't want to do, and it hurts women by showing women as whiney little co-dependant whimps who can't fight their own battles and need everything handed to them like spoiled princesses. Honestly, when a woman cries, the automatic urge is to say: "Don't cry, sweety. Here, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Here's a little present for you." But I know that it's nothing more than emotional blackmail, and it ticks me off. So when I hear a woman or girl sobbing unnecessarily, I just want to smack them and say: "You wanna cry?! I'll give you something to cry about!"

 

        And you know, women must have invented the soap opera, because only someone who cares a lot about unnecessary, fictional, emotional relationship stress would even look at it, much less follow an entire series about it. "Oh, I can't believe he walked out on her." Uh, hello! Didn't she just shout his head off and insult him somewhere in the last three episodes? And do you see men cry and whine in order to get out of their own problems? I don't. You can smack a man around, you can beat him in a few games of cards, you can scare the heck out of him, and y'know, he might yell, or even smack you, but he won't cry. Example:

 

Man needs something from the store, woman doesn't feel like going to get it:

 

Man: "Oh, honey, I just changed into my pajamas. I should have remembered, but I forgot to pick up some coffee for tomarrow. Would you mind going out for some coffee?"

 

Woman: "Oh, not tonight, honey. I've got a headache. Can't it wait until tomarrow?"

 

Man: "No, it can't wait until tomarrow! I've got to have coffee first thing in the morning and so do you! I mean, if you don't feel like going-"

 

Woman: "Alright. I'll go, you big bully. Just stop yelling at me."

 

Woman needs something from the store, and man doesn't feel like going to get it:

 

Woman: "Oh, honey? I just changed into my pajamas and I should have remembered, but I forgot to pick up some coffee at the store. Would you go out and get some for me?"

 

Man: "Oh, can't it wait, honey? I've had such a long day, and I'm dead tired."

 

Woman: "Okay (Sniff). If that's the way you feel about me (Boo hoo). I-I just figured a little coffee wouldn't be too much to ask!"

 

Man: "I'm sorry, honey. I've been insensitive. I'll go out and get some. Anything you want while I'm out?"

 

          The worst thing about it is that young girls are learning to do this and learning feminine wiles just because they work. But it's unwise! I mean, what if your computer breaks down? You going to cry at your computer and say: "What's wrong with you? Why don't you care about me? I paid for you, gave you a good home, played lots of video games on you, and now you won't even let me on the internet? I hate you, and I wish you were dead!" No, ladies, you either learn how to solve the problem yourself, or take your computer to someone who CAN, and usually have to pay money for that. See, that's the fatal flaw for emotional people: Computers are immune to wiles. And women are so much better at manipulating peoples' emotions. It's just the way that they were bred.

 

        I mean, from the very beginning, the little girls, people expect them to play with little dollies and baby dolls, while the little boys are supposed to like violent action figures and toy weapons. I mean, not only is that sexist, but it automatically breeds women toward being nurturing, caring, and emotionally-sensitive young people, and it breeds men toward being tough he-man hunters and fighters who are supposed to stand up to anything, no matter how scary. Does anyone but me see this as a really bad deal? I mean, men are made into being fighters, but what are we supposed to fight in our modern society? We fight against our bosses, we get fired. We fight against our friends and family, all we do is hurt them. We fight against police bullies, we get the tar beaten out of us. We fight in a war, we get drafted to kill another drafted person (Which is about as effective as football, but a whole lot more dangerous). We fight crime, we get nailed for vigilanteism. I mean, this is a no win situation here.

 

       On the other hand, women? They get to be mommy. They get to physically create their children within themselves, they get to hear "Yes mommy", a child's first words are usually "Ma ma" instead of "Da da", there's a huge, ever-growing population, needing countless mothers, the media continually bashes fathers with characters like Homer Simpson, while the worst thing shown about mothers is nagging. I mean, between getting children to love you and being able to manipulate the emotions of men, women have a pretty good deal if you ask me. And things get a lot better for a woman when they have a boyfriend or a husband, since he can help provide for them and babysit, but because of sitcom stereotypical husbands and bofriends, the woman thinks men are incompetent and doesn't want them anywhere near their precious little children.

 

        Yes, women have a pretty good deal generally, but they're not satisfied. No, they want to be equal to men as long as it doesn't involve any negative connotations whatsoever. Translation:

 

Woman hero: Feminist, good.

 

Woman villain: Sexist, bad.

 

Male Bashing: Funny, good.

 

Insulting women: That's so sexist I just wanna smack you!

 

        Women want to be strong and independent as well as nurturing and responsible, and I'm just fine with that. I like women superheroes, women cops (Well, I don't like cops, but I don't discriminate), I like women lawyers (At least as much as I like lawyers in general), but I also like watching evil monsters and villains (Female villains include Evil Lynn from He-Man, Queen Beryl from Sailor Moon, Luna from Thundercats, Poison Ivy from Batman, The evil queen from Snow White, Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty, and a whole lot more, baby.) become more developed as long as they get beaten in the end. It's all a part of being stronger and more popular, so it's pointless to call it sexist. I'll tell you something else: They're keeping the women villains out of the 3D animated movies pretty well. I mean, when have they EVER made a 3 D animated female villain in Disney Pixar history? Doris, that stupid hat from Meet the Robinsons? Mirage, that sultry assistant from The Incredibles?

              Give me something more, for crying out loud! They've been making Pixar 3-D animations since the 1980's, and not one evil witch or bad fairy, or crime queen, or obsessive fashion-crazed dog killer, just a hat and a confused assistant! And how likely is it that there's going to be a female villain in 3-D animation? I've seen no indication. The only Dreamworks female villain they came out with was the Fairy Godmother from Shrek two, and the only other female villain in an animated movie was the wicked stepmother from that computer B-Movie "Happily Never After". Meanwhile, people seem to keep trying to find more and more ways to make a woman the main hero of a story. 

 

         The reason why is very simple: It's all the MAN's fault! That's why in a cop show, they always say: I'm gonna get him, even though for all they know, female DOG could have committed the crime, and they always refer to finding the responsible party as "Catch the guy." The problem is, this makes it easier for women to run from the law (Although, if they were caught, I'm sure we both know they could get away with their crime by openly weeping in the court room. I mean, would YOU convict a pathetic-looking, crying woman who may have lost their son, husband, or boyfriend recently? I sure as heck would, but that's beside the point.), because the police would be too busy looking for a man to pin the blame on.

 

Example:

 

A Detective and a policeman:

 

Detective: Okay, we've got a wealthy young man who was recently decapitated. What leads do we have? 

 

Policeman: Well, it might have been a crime of passion.

 

Detective: A crime of passion? You mean he was gay?

 

Policeman: No, I was talking about his girlfriend.

 

Detective: What? You mean his girlfriend was gay?

 

Policeman: No. I mean, SIR, that I think his girlfriend killed him.

 

Detective: So... She's not gay?

 

Policeman: No. She's not gay.

 

Detective: Good. Because I was thinking about asking her out. She's hot. Now, this rich guy, does he have a brother?

 

Policeman: No, but I really think his girlfriend did it.

 

Detective: Okay, he has no brother. How about his dad? Did he have it in for him?

 

Policeman: No, sir, his dad died a few years ago. But the evidence involving his girlfriend-

 

Detective: Well, that rules out his father as a suspect. How about one of his male cousins?

 

Policeman: Sir, would you give a LITTLE consideration to the girlfriend?

 

Detective: I did. I told you I was planning on asking her out.

 

Policeman: SIr, he dumped her the day before they were going to get married.

 

Detective: Ohhh, the poor woman. I'll be extra nice to her on our date.

 

Policeman: She said she'd kill the guy if she ever saw him again.

 

Detective: Yeahhh, she's a spicy one alright.

 

Policeman: She yelled at him for a whole ten minutes when she heard he didn't love her.

 

Detective: Well then, she must have gotten it out of her system.

 

Policeman: She's been in therapy for the last twenty years with mother issues which began when she was six.

 

Detective: She's thirty-one? Oh, but she looks so young. She told me she was twenty-four, and I believed her.

 

Policeman: She was listed among his kin, under his unchanged will, and she inherited thousands of dollars.

 

Detective: Check. I'll make sure she pays for dinner.

 

Policeman: She owns an axe matching the description of a weapon that could be used to cause his death in this case.

 

Detective: Okay, okay, I think I can see where this is going.

 

Policeman: (Tsh) Finally.

 

Detective: Huh?

 

Policeman: Nothing. Where is this going, sir?

 

Detective: You know more about her, you must be more in love with her than I am. Don't worry, I'll give you a chance at her.

 

Policeman: (Sigh) He has two male cousins, each of whom live out of town...

 

Detective: Finally. NOW we're getting somewhere.

 

Thank's for reading. Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen!